


Toeing the Line

by sleeplittlechild



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Coping, M/M, Phobias
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 03:59:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7251109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeplittlechild/pseuds/sleeplittlechild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Magnus was young, his step-father tried to drown him. Even after 400 years, that's not something he can just get over. Alec finds out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Toeing the Line

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I want to make this absolutely clear. I do NOT know anything about dealing with phobias, especially not ones as intense as what I assume Magnus's hydrophobia to be. And before anybody says anything, yes, I am QUITE AWARE that the way Alec goes about this has a high probability to backlash and actually make things worse. This was written as a touching moment of somebody trying to help the person they love.
> 
> Please, if you're thinking of going through exposure therapy for any sort of trauma or phobia, please make sure to talk EXTENSIVELY with your doctor and therapist/psychiatrist to make sure that it is the right move for you. Take care of your mental health first and foremost.
> 
> Please be safe.

Waking up outside his New York apartment was still a strange feeling, even though Magnus had been sleeping with Alec for well over a month now. It wasn't bad to wake up in Alec's arms, his body pleasantly sore from the night before and the bed warm. He would smile often, burying deep into the perfect moment.

The squirming woke his bed-fellow. Alec's laughter rang in his ear and Magnus felt Alec's arms tighten around his waist. “Good Morning, baby.” Magnus smiled brighter, a giggle (gods forbid) coming out his mouth when Alec kissed his neck.

“...Mornin'.” Magnus's brain worked at a fraction of its usual capacity, foggy by pleasure. He spun in Alec's hold, seeking out those ticklish lips with his own. The kisses were chaste, lazy in the early hours.

“Are you doing anything today?” Magnus whispered into his mouth.

Alec intertwined their fingers, playing with them as he spoke. “Jace finally made up with Clary, so they've decided to throw a pool party.”

Magnus tried to hold back the tremor running down his spine, holding Alec's hand just a bit tighter.

Alec's hazel eyes locked onto his. “You wanna come?”

Magnus forced out a laugh. “I think I should stay _far_ away from the happy couple, 'less I start another fight.” Magnus pulled his hand away, sitting up and pulling his knees with him.

Alec was not deterred. He played with his fingers, running them along the small of Magnus's tense back. “Jace isn't the kinda guy to hold a grudge. And even if he tries to start something, me and Clary can handle him.”

Magnus squirmed under the gentle touch, but it wasn't playfully. He put on a smile, turning away out of the other's touch. “Really, it's okay – you can go party with your friends.”

Alec shifted in the sheets, coming closer that Magnus could feel his body heat. Really, he wanted Alec to just drop the topic. What was the big deal? Magnus held his legs even tighter, placing his chin on his knees.

“Come on – it'll be fun.”

“Alec, it's fine. Just let it go.”

“What are you afraid of, Mags?”

“Water.”

Alec blinked. All at once, he seemed to actually notice Magnus. How rigid his back was, how tight his grasp on his legs were and the goosebumps overtaking his golden skin. He sat up fully, all play gone from his face and replaced by seriousness. Alec reached out to Magnus slowly, with enough fore-warning that Magnus could pull away if he wanted to. He didn't.

He did relax. Almost deflated, it seemed. “I'm afraid of water. Terrified, really.” Magnus scoffed, pulling a hand through his hair. “Can't even take a bath without having a panic attack.” It was true. Through the years, bathing had always been an ordeal. Washing in the river had ended in his legs shaking against the rocks. Bathhouses had been a god-send. All he needed to do was hold his breath and not pass out from the growing panic, hopefully. Since the invention of showers, the idea of being completely covered by water became even more alarming. A pool – not even an option.

“Hey.” Alec coming close, wrapping around his arms, brought Magnus out of his head. He leaned against the other, breathing out in time with Alec. Alec rubbed his hand against Magnus's skin. “I don't have to go. We could just hang out - ”

“No, no - ” Magnus shook his head. He looked up, forcing a smile that didn't really reach his eyes. “Go and have your party and be gay. I'm...I'll be fine.” Alec pursed his lip, but he didn't say anything. He ran his fingers along Magnus's skin while his brain made plans.

* * *

 

Magnus had hoped he'd have a slew of people begging for tarot readings – something that could distract from the idea of Alec and water. But, of course, all was quiet on the Bane front. So Magnus cuddled between his cats (for thankfully Church was in a good mood – a ray of sunshine in the storm) and put on droning television.

He certainly didn't expect Alec to come into his apartment. He didn't think the eldest Lightwood one to miss a part, especially for someone like Magnus.

“Up, up, up – we're going.” Alec picked up Chariman Meow (and gave him a few pets) before poking Magnus into standing. “Come on, lazybones.”

“What...what happened to Jace and Clary's?”

Alec waved it away. “Inconsequential – we're going somewhere.” He was tickling Magnus at this point, pushing him out the door. Even though Magnus kept saying he could just portal them. “If you'd only tell me where we're going...”

“That defeats the purpose of a spontaneous adventure.”

“Alexander...”

Neither said anything in the car. Magnus stared out the windows as the city buildings grew farther and farther away. Away, away, until Alec parked at the riverside.

“Alec – ”

Alec rounded the car, opening the door to the frightened. He held up a hand. “Just trust me, Magnus. I won't let anything happen to you.” He didn't move, holding Magnus's gaze. He didn't move until Magnus nodded. Alec leaned down, un-tying Magnus's loafers and slipping them off. Only now did the warlock notice Alec was barefooted as well. Alec's hands squeezed his knees, holding his gaze again. “Just keep breathing, okay? I won't let anything happen to you. Just remember to breathe.”

Magnus bit his lip. In Alec's hazel eyes Magnus could see Alec would stop all this, bring him back to his apartment and forget everything if Magnus really wanted to. He just wanted to try and help him first.

“Okay.”

Alec smiled at him. He held Magnus's hands in his, intertwining their fingers and pulling Magnus out the car. “Just keep breathing.”

They walked. Magnus's eyes focused on the water. His steps faltered more than once and he stopped completely more than that. Alec righted him, kissing his hand in a soothing gesture. “Just keep breathing.” He repeated, over and over.

The moment his feet touched the wet sand, a tremor ran through him. He breathed out shakily, squeezing Alec's hand even tighter.

Alec's steps slowed greatly, one at a time. The seep and suck of his steps had Magnus feel the anxiety well in his heart. He skewered his eyes shut, feeling white-knuckled around Alec. “It's okay, it's okay. You're safe. I've got you – you're safe.” Alec whispered in his ear. Magnus nodded, but still wouldn't open his eyes.

“Okay – you're doing great. We're going into the tide now. I want you to count, one through 10. Ok? Just keep breathing.” Alec stopped, waiting for Magnus. The warlock took two deep inhales before nodding.

“One. Two. Three – Three!” Magnus hunched his shoulders as he felt the slightest bit of tide touch the arches of his feet. The discomfort of a storm crept over him, that same feeling of just wanting to be done and out of the water.

He continued. “Four. Five. Six - ” He gasped when the water completely covered his foot, stopping. Behind his closed eyes, he saw a supposedly loving hand, grabbing his neck and shoving it under the river water. He couldn't breathe, swallowing nothing no matter how he gasped. He begged for help, begged the hand to let him go, please. He couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe...

“Hey – hey.” Alec's voice broke through. He felt Alec's lips on his brow, symbolically calming his brain. “Breathe with me, Mags. In, out, in, out.”

As the world came back to him, Magnus felt his hands against Alec's chest. Feeling his breast expand and deflate. Gulping over the lump in his throat he tried to follow along. Alec's voice never stopped, keeping him on track. “That's it, in, our. Keep breathing. You're okay. You're _okay._ ”

Moments, minutes passed until the fear clawing at his heart lessened. He loosened his hold on Alec's hands. Alec kissed his fingers, but said nothing. He made no move and the water lapped over their feet. Magnus gasped with each lap, but made himself focus on Alec instead.

“Do you want to try another step?”

“In all honesty I want to run back to my loft and never do this again.”

“Okay, okay. What about not moving and just looking around you?”

“...If I say no?” Alec chuckled and Magnus felt himself kissed. It was chaste and quick and left him breathless as always. Without thinking, he opened his eyes. The wide expanse of the river gave Magnus a squeak, pressing closer to Alec and putting his feet deeper in the water.

“It's okay – I'm here. I won't let anything happen – you're safe.” Alec's arms came around him, not exactly quelling the shaking but more likely just sharing comfort.

“From one to ten, how scared are you?”

Now Magnus honestly laughed, pulling back enough to look at Alec. “Really? Scared scale?”

Alec rolled his eyes, smiling back. “Hey – it works. Got me and Izzy through therapy. Thought it might help you.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow. “Therapy?” Alec nodded. “What do you need therapy for?”

“Anxiety. Couldn't really talk to anybody and breathe at the same time. Izzy used to go into panic when people were around. So my parents put us in therapy hoping we'd shape up.” He rolled his eyes, as Alec did often when his parents were mentioned.

Magnus didn't know what to think. In all his life, he'd never seen someone this open, this caring, this...involved with him. In Alec's eyes, there was only care and gentleness – not a hint of double-intent. “Why are you doing all of this?”

Alec shrugged. “Lots of fun things you can do in water.” He flirted.

“Oh.” Magnus hung his head. His lip caught between his teeth, tampering down on the hurt the wanted to join the anxiety. _Of course – he only want to make everything more fun. He's not really concerned..._

Like he could read his mind, Alec shifted Magnus's chin up with his knuckle. “My boyfriends a warlock. I want to make sure no one can hurt him by throwing him in the river outside his apartment.”

Magnus blinked, over and over again. “Your...your _boyfriend?_ ”

Alec giggled and wasn't that a wonderful sound of the young man? He kissed him again, deep but chaste. “What – are you Simon's? Or do you have marriage certificates with your cats?”

“No.” Magnus rolled his eyes, almost exasperated. “It's just...I didn't think we were...that is, I mean - ”

“If we were dating?” Magnus had no choice but to nod. Alec's shocked face was nearly comical. “Mags, we've been seeing each other for a month. What did you think that was?”

Magnus sighed, squirming with every passing moment and hating is as the water rose to his ankles. Gods, he didn't want this conversation yet and god damn it, he didn't want to have it in _water!_ “...Booty calls?”

Alec didn't even have the mind to laugh at Magnus. He blinked, shocked. “Magnus, how old are you? And you can't tell when somebody's head over heels in love with you?”

“In...in love?”

Alec's jesting, shocked smile was softening. He passed his hand over Magnus's skin in a soothing gesture not unlike that morning. “How're you doing? One to ten.”

Magnus realized that for a moment, he had completely forgotten about the water. He'd been so focused on what he and Alec were, he didn't think his heart-clenching feeling had anything with his long-time phobia. “...7, I guess? An 8, maybe?”

“Do you wanna head back, then?” Alec kissed his temple, calming what thoughts were and could be storming in the magical head.

It worked. Magnus felt the smallest, tiniest bit of bravery in his tense shoulders. “Maybe...one more step?”

Alec nodded with a great big smile, pulling back to lead. Magnus tightened his grasp, nearly vice-like. “Make it...a tiny step?” Alec laughed, but obeyed. Not even a step, but more of a slide forward. Instead of lapping, his ankles and even his shins were covered. Magnus's chest went tight, feeling like all the blood in his body left him. “No. No. I want to go back. I don't want to do this.”

“Okay. Okay. Let's go. You did so good. We can leave.” Alec slid forward, pulling Magnus back to the shoreline. Magnus couldn't get back to the car fast enough, where the only wet thing was him and Alec. That was something he could control.

Alec went ahead of him, opening the car doors. Magnus sat and Alec fussed around him. Something went around his shoulders and Alec was at his feet, covering them with a towel – warm and fluffy. The 'something' turned out to be one of Alec's suit jackets. Actually, it was Magnus's favorite. He'd told Alec once – told him that he could wear it and ask _anything_ of Magnus.

Alec knew he knew so Magnus raised an eyebrow at him. “Really?” Alec rolled his eyes in response, tickling Magnus's feet as he put his socks back on.

“I called my therapist. Did a bunch of research. They said something that makes you feel safe could help after going through something hard like this. I didn't know what I could grab from your place so I...well, you said you liked it.” His grin was impish with sincerity behind it.

Really, Magnus felt like he could cry. He'd been alive for so long and nobody had ever given him such concern. He'd never been so cared for and to find it in spades in this boy - this man – that was like holding stardust in your hands. He cupped his hand to Alec's cheek, stroking his thumb along those perfect cheekbones.

Alec held that hand to his face.

Neither spoke for a long while.

“How was it?” Alec asked. “Ever want a repeat?”

Magnus forced a laugh out, thought it wasn't as hard to do as perhaps it would've five years ago. “Maybe not in the immediate future.” Alec had to laugh just the same. “But if it gets me pampered by you...”

The impish grin was made worse and Alec was kissing him, hot and passionate. Magnus wrapped himself in that kiss, calming any lingering doubts that he was safe, loved, and cherished with this lover, with this love he felt blossoming inside him.

Alec pulled back, tipping their foreheads together for their brief respite. “Babe, you've got a _lot_ of pampering in your future. Whether or not you want to take that pampering to the water.” And in 400 years, Magnus was more excited than scared.

 


End file.
